She’s Avoiding Everything…
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Why She is Avoiding Everything - And How To Help Without Pushing her Away
Your daughter isnb’t just procrastinating - she’s completely avoiding responsibility.
Homework? Adminy things like texts and emails? Ignored.
Chore? Invisible.
Conversations about her future? She disappears.
She’s not even arguing - she’s just waiting for it all to blow over even if that means she’s hiding in her room 24/7.
It’s frustrating. You don’t want to nag, but you also don’t want her to think she can just ignore responsibility for ever.
But here’s the thing - she’s not lazy and she does care, away more than you realise. But right now responsibility feels overwhelming, so she’s hiding instead of trying.
So what’s really going on? And how can you help without pushing her further away?
Why she’s avoiding everything
This isn’t about being irresponsible - it’s about being overwhelmed.
Dr Gordon Neufeld explains that counter-will - the instinct to resist being told what to do - doesn’t always look alike defiance. Sometimes it shows up as shutting down completely. Counter-will is a natural response to feeling controlled - it’s her way of asserting independence. In the teen years, this push/pull becomes more intense. She resists, you push and she digs in deeper, creating a frustrating cycle.
But here’s the good news, you can break it.
The key is recognising when she genuinely needs space and when she’s avoiding responsibility.
What’s happening beneath the surface?
Her brain: Responsibility feels too big so avoiding it feels like the safest option.
Her emotions: She’s afraid of failing, so doesn’t start at all.
Her sense of self: She wants to be independent, but deep down, she doesn’t trust herself to handle it.
She’s not choosing to be stuck - she just doesn’t know how to get herself unstuck.
3 ways to bring her out of hiding
Daylight
In the morning, open her curtains just a fraction. This simple move helps to regulate her circadian rhythm.
Ask her what she needs
This slight change in questioning helps her to see it from her point of view (not yours). Then break it down into teeny, weeny, tiny steps so she can achieve - make it too big and she’ll feel a failure and the cycle continues.
Do a fascial jig
A fascial jig is literally a thorough shake down of the whole body - make it fun, make it silly and make her (and you) laugh. The sillier it is the more she likely she is to do it.
She’s not avoiding you - she’s avoiding overwhelm
If she’s hiding right now, it doesn’t mean she’s failing. It doesn’t mean she’s incapable. It just means she hasn’t yet built the confidence to handle responsibility on her own.
She’s not broken.
You’re not failing.
This is a phase, not a permanent state.
So next time she retreats, don’t take it personally and push harder - reach in gently.
Meet her where she’s at.
Make the first step teeny, weeny, tiny.
Hold space for her to step up - without force.
She will resurface. She will step up. And you are the safe space she needs to figure it out.
Exciting Next Steps…
If this resonated with you, I’ve got something that will help even more:
Join WTF - yup, great name, isn’t it?
Because let’s be honest, there are a lot of WTF moments when parenting teen girls.
But here’s what it really stands for: What’s The Feeling?
Because moods aren’t just moods - they’re messages.
This isn’t a course.
It’s not a programme.
It’s a community.
A space for mums who get it. Who’ve stood exactly where you are right now.
A place where we talk about all this stuff openly - without shame, without judgment, without pretending everything’s fine.
If that sounds like the support you need, come join us!
If you like what you read then…
Plus download my FREE guide - 5 signs your daughter isn’t just being moody (and what her body might be trying to tell you)
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If you found this post helpful, share it with another mum who might need a little extra encouragement this season.
Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
Rach x
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I look forward to connecting and working with you.
