The One Shift that Helps Her Feel Heard (Not Attacked)
If you would prefer to listen rather than read click the link below and don’t forget to hit subscribe so you can be one of the first when I release a new episode
We all want to be heard.
But when it comes to our teenage daughters — especially when they’re shutting down, blowing up, or giving us the silent treatment — really listening becomes something more complex. It’s not about having the right response, the perfect pep talk, or fixing the problem on the spot.
It’s about creating the kind of safety they can feel. Even when they don’t have the words.
And that starts with one powerful shift:
Your calm becomes the cue for her nervous system to soften.
Even if she doesn’t say a thing.
Before we dive in, I want to share something I’ve been circling back to in my work — and in my heart.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know I believe our emotions and behaviours aren’t problems to fix — they’re messages trying to be heard.
And lately, I’ve been thinking about the girls who get labelled as too much, too sensitive, or too emotional — and the mums who quietly wonder if they’re not enough to handle it all.
Here’s what I know deep down, and what I’m saying more clearly than ever:
She doesn’t need fixing. She needs to be felt, seen, understood.
And you? You don’t need to have all the answers — you just need to stay close enough to hear the message beneath the mess.
So let’s look at how that actually works — especially in those moments when it feels hardest to stay connected.— and why it’s one of the most powerful tools you have as a mum.
1. Her Reactions Aren’t Personal - They’re Nervous System Messages
Let’s begin where it usually feels the hardest: when your daughter snaps, shuts down, ignores you, or storms out of the room.
It’s triggering, I know. It can feel personal. Like rejection. Or like you’ve failed her.
But here’s what’s really going on beneath the behaviour:
Her nervous system is in overdrive. Her brain’s emotion centre (the amygdala) has stepped in to protect her — and in that moment, she’s not choosing her words carefully. She’s not trying to be disrespectful. She’s trying to survive.
That survival response — fight, flight, freeze, or fawn — overrides the rational part of her brain (the prefrontal cortex). So she literally can’t explain how she feels. She might lash out or completely withdraw.
And here’s the crucial part:
What you do next matters more than what she just said.
If you match her energy — raise your voice, withdraw, or try to shut it down — her body reads you as danger. Her defences go up. The shutdown deepens.
But if you stay calm, soft, steady…
You’re saying something deeper than words:
“This doesn’t scare me. I’m here. I can handle your bigness.”
You stop asking her to calm down — and become the calm she can return to.
2. Listening Starts in the Body, Not in the Words
This might surprise you:
Listening has very little to do with what you say — and everything to do with how you are.
If your body is tense, if you’re holding your breath or bracing for the blow-up — she feels it. Even if you’re saying all the right things.
But if your body softens… if your breath slows… if your voice stays gentle…
She’ll feel that too.
Her mirror neurons (the part of her brain that syncs to your emotional state) start to respond. Her heart rate and breath begin to match yours. Her body gets the message:
“This is safe. I’m safe.”
That’s co-regulation — not a strategy, but a biological truth.
And one of the simplest, most powerful ways to activate it? A hug.
Not a “you good?” kind of hug — but a still, full-body, “I’m here until you let go” kind of hug.
And if she’s not open to that? Just sit nearby. Let her nervous system borrow yours.
3. The Real Listening Happens After You Stay
The most powerful part of listening happens after the storm.
It’s when she realises you didn’t leave. You didn’t react. You didn’t make it about you.
That’s when she feels seen — not because you fixed anything, but because you stayed.
Because you could witness her emotions without shutting them down.
When she says, “You don’t get it,” what she’s often really saying is:
“Please just hold space. Don’t try to fix me. I just need to be felt.”
And that’s the heart of it:
Real listening is about choosing not to mirror her dysregulation with your own.
It’s saying:
“This is still her moment. I’ll meet her with calm, not correction.”
Try This: The Still-Body Hug or Breath Match
If you want one practical tool to take away from this, let it be this:
Next time she’s upset, try regulation-led listening.
Here’s how:
• Soften your body — drop the shoulders, unclench your jaw
• Breathe slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth - repeat 3 times
• Offer a hug — and only let go when she does
• Or sit nearby and let your breath become the steady rhythm she can lean into
Even if no words are exchanged, you’re giving her the greatest gift:
The experience of being held, without pressure to perform or explain.
From that place, maybe — not always, but maybe — she’ll talk.
But either way, she’ll feel your presence. And that’s what matters most.
Your Mini-Challenge This Week
You don’t need to say the perfect thing.
You just need to show her — with your breath, your body, and your energy — that she’s safe.
That’s what helps her feel seen, heard, and valued.
Even when she’s falling apart.
Don’t escalate. Don’t fix. Just breathe. Stay.
Let her know - in the stillness - that you’re here for the hard parts too.
Need More Support? I’ve Got You
If you’re craving connection and tools to make this journey less lonely, come join us in our FB community for mums navigating the teen years together
Follow me on Instagram for daily tips and real talk
Grab your free guide WTF is Going On? Spoiler Alert - Nothing!
It’s short, practical, and full of real tools to help your daughter feel safer in her body - and help you feel more confident as a parent.
You’ve got this - and I’m right here with you.
No matter how things feel right now, I promise - you won’t feel like this forever.
Let’s be proactive, not reactive!
We’re in this together.
Rach x
If you like what you read then…
Share the Love:
If you found this post helpful, share it with another mum who might need a little extra encouragement this season.
Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
Click on the above links to be one of the first to receive new updates or check out my website at www.theteenwhisperer.co.uk.
Connect with me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app) at RachelFriedli teenwhisperer
Follow me on Instagram
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting and working with you.
