Anxiety - What If We’ve Got It Backwards?
If you would prefer to listen rather than read click the link below and don’t forget to hit subscribe so you can be one of the first when I release a new episode
Let’s talk about the thing that’s on every mum’s mind right now:
Why does it feel like every teenage girl has anxiety?
Because it’s not just your daughter. I’m hearing it from mums every single day - the panic, the overwhelm, the shutdowns, the meltdowns, the “I can’t go to school today” mornings.
And if you’ve tried to help, maybe you’ve heard it too:
“I don’t know why I feel like this.”
“I just can’t stop overthinking.”
“I feel anxious all the time.”
And as a mum, your heart breaks a little every time - because you don’t know what to do.
You just want to help her feel okay again.
Here’s the thing no one’s saying loud enough:
Not every anxious girl has an anxiety disorder.
Let me say that again:
Just because she feels anxious, doesn’t mean she is anxious.
She’s not broken. She’s not sick.
She’s just reacting to a world that’s completely overwhelming.
Anxiety isn’t always a diagnosis - it’s a response
Our daughters are growing up in a world that moves way too fast.
They’re bombarded with pressure - from school, social media, friendships, body image, future plans, group chats at midnight…
And their nervous systems?
They never get to switch off.
That constant buzzing, that endless pressure to be on, to be perfect, to get it right all the time - it’s triggering her fight-or-flight response on repeat.
So yeah - she feels anxious.
But that doesn’t mean she has anxiety.
Let’s talk about her brain (and why it’s not fully ready)
Here’s something we don’t say enough:
Her brain isn’t finished yet.
Not even close.
That part of her brain that manages logic, impulse control and emotional regulation - the prefrontal cortex - is still developing.
But the amygdala, the emotional alarm system? That one’s already firing on all cylinders.
So what happens?
She feels something big in her body… before her brain can make sense of it.
She gets flooded with sensations - racing heart, tight chest, knot in her stomach - and her brain goes, “Something must be wrong with me.”
Before the thought, there’s the body
Here’s a truth most of us weren’t taught:
Anxiety starts in the body. Not the brain.
Before she even has an anxious thought:
• Her heart rate jumps.
• Her breathing gets shallow.
• Her stomach tightens.
• She feels wired, fidgety, shaky, or numb.
And that’s not overthinking.
That’s her nervous system doing its job - detecting stress before her brain has time to catch up.
Her body is saying: “There’s a threat.”
But the threat isn’t a tiger. It’s a missed group chat.
A looming deadline. A funny look in the hallway.
It’s tiny things that add up to big feelings - all day, every day.
Girls tend to internalise their stress
Because of how the female brain is wired, girls tend to internalise stress more than boys.
They don’t explode - they implode.
So instead of running or fighting, that stress gets trapped inside.
They hide. They freeze. They overthink.
And then we label them: She’s anxious. She needs a diagnosis. She needs fixing.
But what if she doesn’t?
What if this is a human response to an inhuman pace?
What if her nervous system is just asking for a bit of help?
Here’s what we often get wrong
As mums, we see the struggle.
We want to fix it. Help. Calm her down. So we say things like:
“It’s not that bad.”
“You’re just overthinking.”
“Try to be more positive.”
But by the time she’s saying she’s anxious, the thoughts are just catching up to what her body and heart already decided.
We’re focusing on the brain, when really we need to start with the body.
The Social Media Spiral
Let’s take a real-life example.
Your daughter wakes up, checks her phone.
She sees messages from a group chat that went off last night while she was asleep.
Her brain doesn’t say, “Oh, I was probably just tired.”
No - her heart rate spikes. Her stomach churns.
“Did I miss something? Are they annoyed with me?”
Before anything even happens, her body has already sent the alarm.
And now she feels anxious - but she can’t explain why.
Multiply that by hundreds of micro-moments every day…
And it’s no wonder she believes she must have anxiety.
But she doesn’t.
She has an overworked nervous system.
What if we looked at this a different way?
What if instead of rushing to label her, we helped her tune into her body?
What if we said:
• “Where do you feel that in your body?”
• “What do you need right now?”
• “Your body is doing its best to protect you.”
Because that’s what anxiety is. A signal.
A signal that something’s moving too fast.
That her system is overwhelmed.
That she needs safety - not shame.
How to actually help her in the moment
Here’s what to do when she’s spiralling, panicking, or totally shut down:
1. Calm her body first.
No pep talks. No fixing. Just slow, deep breathing or grounding (barefoot on the floor is magic).
2. Process the emotion next.
Let her cry, scribble, stomp, talk it out or shake it out.
3. Shift the thoughts last.
Only after her body is settled can her brain start to make sense of things.
Want a tip that works right now?
Do a full body shake. Yes, really.
Stand up, feet grounded, and jiggle every part of your body.
Silly? Maybe. Effective? 100%.
It helps release the stuck stress from head to toe.
If you take one thing from this blog…
It’s this:
Your daughter is not broken.
She doesn’t need fixing.
She needs understanding.
And you don’t need to get it perfect.
You just need to show up. Be curious. Stay steady.
Want More Support?
I’ve made a free guide for you:
“WTF is Going On? Spoiler Alert - Nothing”
It explains everything I just shared - in a short, simple, practical way.
You’ll learn what’s happening in her brain and body, how to respond in the moment, and how to build connection without pushing her away.
You’re doing better than you think
Seriously. You’re here. You’re learning. You’re trying.
And that counts for so much.
Let’s be proactive, not reactive - together.
And if this helped you, please send it to another mum who needs to hear this too.
You’ve got this.
Rach x
If you like what you read then…
Share the Love:
If you found this post helpful, share it with another mum who might need a little extra encouragement this season.
Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
Click on the above links to be one of the first to receive new updates or check out my website at www.theteenwhisperer.co.uk.
Connect with me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app) at RachelFriedli teenwhisperer
Follow me on Instagram
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting and working with you.
