School Refusal Isn’t Defiance - It’s a Signal
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The summer holidays already feel like a distant memory, even if they only ended yesterday. We’re back in the routine: school, college, university, or maybe home education.
But how are you really feeling? And more importantly, how’s your daughter doing?
Have you noticed changes in her behaviour already? Is she waking up with headaches, tummy aches, feeling sick, or flat-out refusing to get out of bed?
And I say “simply refusing” but we both know there’s nothing simple about it. It’s exhausting, confusing, and sometimes it feels like the only solution would be a giant JCB to lift her out of bed. And while that image might make us smile for a second, we know it’s not that easy because what’s really happening is much deeper.
This is school anxiety. This is school refusal. And it’s very real.
It’s not just the odd sick day or a few butterflies before a big test as some so-called experts might dismiss it. For our girls, it can take over every waking (and non-sleeping) moment. It stops them in their tracks. It robs them of joy, friendships, and the activities they used to love.
And home life? It gets harder. You might be dealing with screaming, shutting down, complete meltdowns, or silent withdrawal. It can feel like you’re walking on eggshells every single day.
Here’s the truth: school refusal is not simply refusing school. It’s a whole-body, whole-brain reaction. Your daughter’s nervous system is shouting “I don’t feel safe.” But instead of words, her body is speaking through signals.
What does it look like?
Regressive behaviours: clinging to you, sucking her thumb, wanting her favourite cuddly toy nearby.
Physical symptoms: stomach aches, nausea, headaches, exhaustion, constant infections.
Emotional signals: intense fear, zoning out, shutting down, or looking like a rabbit in headlights.
Everyday struggles: refusing to eat, skipping school, or constantly saying she’s “ill.”
These aren’t excuses. They’re real. And they’re her body’s way of telling you something isn’t right.
And I don’t just know this because of the work I do.
I know it because I’ve lived it too.
For years, school mornings in our house were filled with battles, meltdowns, and tears - hers and mine. The stomach aches, the panic, the complete shutdowns. It was heartbreaking and exhausting, and honestly, there were days I didn’t know what to do anymore. Eventually, we made the decision to take her out of school and home educate - and while that won’t be the path for everyone, it taught me something powerful:
When a girl doesn’t feel safe, she cannot thrive.
It’s not about willpower. It’s not about being “difficult.”
It’s about her nervous system saying loud and clear: “I don’t feel safe here.”
And you’re not alone. According to the Girls’ Index 2023:
Girls’ confidence has dropped from 68% in 2017 to just 55%.
79% of girls say they feel like they’re going to explode from all the pressure.
Rates of sadness and depression have tripled for girls aged 10–12, and doubled for those aged 12–14.
School is now one of their top stressors — right alongside grades and friendships.
That’s huge. And it matters.
Because here’s what’s going on underneath: when a girl doesn’t feel safe, her nervous system sees school as a threat. She flips into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. That’s why forcing her through the school gates doesn’t “fix” the problem, it makes it worse.
Anxiety-based avoidance doesn’t go away when we push harder.
It deepens, it roots itself in her body, and it can even lead to chronic health problems.
Now, if you’ve seen the headlines lately, you’ll know the government is calling for tougher measures: attendance mentors, stricter Ofsted monitoring, free breakfast clubs, and so on.
And while those things might sound good on paper, they miss the most important piece: our girls are not numbers on a register. They’re human beings with individual needs.
Our daughters are often the ones who mask all day at school - keeping it together to survive - then coming home and completely unravelling.
And when that happens, mums like you are left feeling like failures, while the system points the finger at parents. But let me be crystal clear: your daughter is not flawed. And neither are you.
The real issue is belonging. Girls who feel like they belong at school report seven times higher confidence. Belonging creates safety. And safety is what makes learning possible. Without it, no amount of strategies or punishments will work.
So what can you do, right now, in the moment, when your daughter’s body is screaming “NO”?
Here are a few things to try:
Look for the root. Notice what her behaviour might be signalling. Ask her gently: “What do you need right now?”
Validate before fixing. Say things like: “I hear you. School feels really tough right now. Let’s figure this out together.” That way, she feels seen before you move to solutions.
Support her nervous system. Teach her grounding tools like breathing exercises, vagus nerve resets, or simple body-based techniques so she feels more in control of her body.
Because here’s the bottom line: when our girls feel safe, they can thrive. When they don’t, they shut down. And it’s our job, not to force them into boxes that don’t fit, but to walk with them, understand them, and help them find their voice.
Before you go, I’ve got two things for you:
✨ First, grab my free 60 Sec Reset. It’s a simple tool you can use right there in the heat of the moment — to calm your own system and stop the spiral before it takes over. You’ll find the link waiting for you in the show notes.
✨ Second, a little heads up — in just a few weeks I’ll be opening the doors again to my WTF Membership. It’s my space for mums just like you, where we go deeper into understanding your daughter, decoding her signals, and giving you the support and tools you need so neither of you feels alone in this. Keep an ear out, because I’d love to welcome you inside.
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Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
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