Stop Running on Empty: Why Mums Need Space
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So, let me ask: how are you doing? No, really. Not the polite “oh fine, just busy” answer. Underneath everything, how are you really? What’s going on for you?
Because if you don’t put your oxygen mask on first, you won’t have the air to help your daughter breathe. You won’t have the energy, patience, or even the clarity to support her.
And before you roll your eyes and mutter “self-care, blah blah”, I get it. The word’s been thrown around like confetti. But here’s the truth: time for YOU is not indulgent. It’s a necessity.
One of the mums I work with said to me recently:
“Rach, I don’t have time for myself. I’m home educating and all my energy goes into them and their needs.”
And I get it. The transition from summer into term time hit her like a wall. She was running on empty.
As mums we are taught to put everyone else first, and maybe we’ll get a few crumbs at the end of the day.
And that exhaustion we carry? It doesn’t just show up in your body. It leaks into every interaction with your daughter. You snap more, you’re shorter with your daughter, the patience you rely on dwindles.
We throw everything into our girls, thinking we’ll do our stuff “after.” But “after” never comes. By the end of the day, you’re too tired to think straight, let alone pour into yourself. And what’s left? Frustration. Anger. Feeling invisible. Like a doormat.
But here’s what she realised when we flipped the script: it wasn’t about having spare time. It was about making micro-moments of space non-negotiable. Even five minutes counts. A cup of tea outside. A quiet moment with a book. A breath before the chaos hits. It doesn’t have to be big.
Because here’s the kicker: when you start putting yourself first, even in tiny ways, your daughter notices. She mirrors it. She sees that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential. It’s like the plane analogy: put your own oxygen mask on first. If you run out of air, you’ve got nothing left to give.
This is what I see again and again.
Mums trying everything - staying calm, losing it, bribing, ignoring, Googling symptoms at 2am - and nothing changes.
Meanwhile:
Every slammed door adds another layer of distance.
Trust fractures.
And you start to wonder if you’re losing her for good.
And the professionals? Education, health, even family and friends, they all give conflicting advice. So you stop trusting yourself. You stop trusting your gut.
You know those days when you feel like a pinball - bouncing between strategies, trying one thing then another, hoping something will stick? Stay calm. Snap. Bribe. Ignore. Google symptoms at 2am.
And still, nothing works.
Each meltdown feels bigger. Each shutdown feels colder.
And you lie awake thinking: Am I losing her? Am I failing her? Am I just failing?
This is the cycle so many mums find themselves trapped in. And here’s the truth nobody tells you: it’s not about trying harder. It’s about creating space for you — so you can come back grounded, and not keep pouring from a cup that’s already smashed on the floor.
And here’s the reality: most mums are running on empty.
Nearly 80% of mums say they get less than an hour a day just for themselves.
Around 3 out of 4 wish they had more time for self-care.
And the majority believe they’d be better mums if they could actually take that time.
So it’s not just you. You’re not lazy, selfish, or failing. The system is set up so that mums put themselves last and then feel guilty for being exhausted.
I want to tell you straight: the problem isn’t that you’re failing. It’s that you’re running on empty.
But when you flip the script and make space for yourself first, even just a little, something shifts. Your energy changes, your patience grows, and your daughter learns by watching you that self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s a lifeline.
Practical Tools to try today:
And no, I’m not talking nails or spa days (unless that’s your thing). Self-care is the small stuff that keeps you alive inside. The stuff that feeds your soul, not your to-do list.
Here’s where to start:
👉 Start small. Even 5 minutes a day can shift your whole system. Sit outside with a cuppa. Step into another room and close the door. Put a “my time” sign up — and yes, tell your daughter what it means.
👉 Plan it. Grab a big piece of paper. Write or draw what you’d actually love to do, then break it down into teeny-tiny steps. Steps so small you can’t fail.
👉 Remember it’s not selfish. Your daughter needs to see you do this. The more she sees you looking after yourself, the more likely she’ll learn to do it for herself. That’s the ripple effect. That’s how she learns self-regulation — not from what you say, but from what you model.
So here’s the truth: making space for yourself isn’t indulgence. It’s oxygen. It’s regulation. It’s how you survive, and it’s how she and you thrive. And a regulated mum is a safer mum — and a safer mum raises a safer daughter. Take that five minutes today. Call it yours. Because the more you breathe, the more she can.
So if you take one thing from today, let it be this: your oxygen mask goes on first. Your needs matter. Not after, not “someday,” not when she’s okay, now. Because when you look after you, you’re not only giving yourself life… you’re teaching her how to live.
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