When survival Shows Up as Behaviour
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You know those moments when your daughter’s behaviour makes absolutely no sense?
One minute she’s slamming doors, the next she’s curled up under a blanket, refusing to move. And you’re left thinking the normal questions, “Is this attitude? Is it hormones? Or is something else going on?”
Let me reframe it for you.
When she was a baby, she cried when she was hungry, rubbed her eyes when she was tired, screamed the house down if her nappy was full. Messages. Not behavioural problems.
Now? It’s the same. Only the messages look different, there are many different ways that she expresses her discomfort - sometimes they’re big and bold, sometimes they’re quiet and small. And yes even those times when she screams blue murder in your face… or swears at the top of her lungs. They’re still messages, not behaviour problems to fix.
And here’s the kicker: those behaviours are physiology first. They’re her body saying, “I’m overwhelmed. Help me reset.”
Last month we talked about school, stress and safety and this month, we’re starting a new theme: Stop ‘fixing’, start understanding.
Because the truth is, our girls don’t need fixing. They need us to understand what’s really happening inside their bodies and brains, so we can meet them where they are. That’s the only way to stop the constant firefighting and start building real connection.
And for me, this isn’t just theory. Before I became a coach, I worked as a play specialist with hundreds of children and teens in and out of hospital. I saw firsthand how fear can spiral when kids don’t understand what’s happening in their bodies — and how everything shifts when you explain it in their language. Play was my tool for giving them a sense of safety and control in some of the scariest moments of their lives. And it’s the same for our girls today: when they understand the “why” behind their feelings and behaviour, the fear reduces, and they feel more capable of handling it.
The Gritty Truth
Let’s talk about this word that’s everywhere: neurodivergence.
It’s become a label that gets thrown around, sometimes with understanding, but often without.
And while diagnosis can be helpful and absolutely necessary for some girls, many of the behaviours we’re quick to categorise as “symptoms” can actually be responses to something else.
Think about it:
Our girls have grown up with screens in their hands
They spent some of their most formative years locked down, inside, isolated, learning through zoom.
Their tech feeds them a constant drip of comparison and “never enough.”
That changes the brain.
Screens all day every day can make girls shy away from eye contact, not because they can’t, but because it feels too exposing and scary.
Constant stimulation can mimic the sensory overwhelm often associated with neurodivergence.
Living in survival state, like many did during the pandemic and even now, wires their nervous systems to stay on high alert.
And if no one explains this to them? They assume they’re broken. They assume they’re the problem.
But here’s the reframe: these are trauma responses. And trauma responses can change.
When our girls understand that their brain and body adapted to survive in an unnatural world, they stop blaming themselves. And when we as mums understand that too, we can respond with compassion, not panic.
Here’s what’s happening under the surface.
When your daughter is under constant pressure, whether that’s work deadlines, friendship drama, or endless scrolling, her body flips into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
• Her heart races and she feels anxious and overwhelmed
• Her breathing goes shallow and she only breathes from the tops of her lungs inducing a panic attack
• Her prefrontal cortex: the part of the brain that does rational decision-making, emotional regulation and organisation literally goes offline when she’s in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Plus it’s not fully developed until her mid-20s anyway.
• Add in hormones: cortisol spiking when she’s stressed, melatonin delayed from late-night screens, dopamine hits rising and crashing with social media, plus her 28-day energy cycle — and you’ve got a body that’s doing its best to cope but is overloaded.
This isn’t weakness.
This is biology.
And that’s why I always say: physiology before psychology. Before we go into mindset, therapy, or “fixing the behaviour,” we need to understand what the body is trying to say.
So, what can you do this week?
I want to bring us back to something simple, powerful, and often overlooked: play.
Creating space for lightness, laughter, and non-pressured connection.
Play works because it does three things at once:
• It lowers cortisol (stress hormone).
• It boosts dopamine (motivation and reward hormone).
• And it signals safety to the nervous system.
When I was working as a play specialist, I’d watch terrified kids go from rigid and frozen to calm and curious, simply because play made them feel safe. The same works for our teens.
So this week, try this:
📌 Set aside 10 minutes for unstructured play with your daughter. No agenda, no lecture. Kick a ball around, play a silly card game, dance like idiots in the kitchen, do baking together, do some baking, make a meal, get outside and do something different.
You’ll be amazed at how it shifts the atmosphere. Because when the nervous system feels safe, the brain comes back online.
🔑 Weekly Challenge
Your challenge this week is simple: play once a day.
Take a big piece of paper and literally write down what it is you both want to do. Even if it’s just a silly five-minute dance, playing a board game, or pulling faces across the dinner table.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing her nervous system and yours that safety and connection are possible, even when life feels overwhelming.
🌱 Hope + Growth Mindset
Here’s what I want you to hold onto:
So many of the behaviours we’re quick to label: avoiding eye contact, zoning out on screens, shutting down in class, melting down at home, can look like symptoms of neurodivergence.
And sometimes they are. But often, they’re also the body’s way of coping with an environment that feels unsafe or overwhelming.
That doesn’t mean your daughter is broken. It means her brain and body are doing exactly what they’re designed to do: survive.
And here’s the hope. The brain is not fixed. It’s constantly rewiring itself based on experience. That’s what we call neuroplasticity. Every time your daughter finds safety, plays, rests, or feels understood, her brain is literally reshaping. New pathways are forming that tell her body: I’m safe, I can handle this, I’m not alone.
This is why your connection matters more than correction. It’s why physiology before psychology changes everything. Because when her nervous system feels safe, her brain can grow.
So here’s my takeaway for you this week:
👉 Your daughter’s brain is not stuck. Thanks to neuroplasticity, every safe moment, every playful reset, every connection you build is literally reshaping her future.
And don’t forget to grab my free 60 sec reset for mums and girls.
Because remember: it’s physiology before psychology. Always.
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Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
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I look forward to connecting and working with you.
