This week I talk about how you can support your teen daughter.

In this blog I talk about screen use being as deadly as other addictions.

We all know that social media has its good points but did you know why it has such an adverse reaction on our teen daughters?

Read on for these and other simple tools to help you manage screen time in your house.

Keep reading for 4 tips to managing internet usage in your house, or listen in to the podcast episode below

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I thought I would continue with the topic of internet use and screen use and why it is so addictive.

There’s been recent research come out about screen use, social media use being as addictive as other addictions. Now why?

Those algorithms yet again are at play in video games and social media and how it affects the mental health in our teenagers. As we all know our teens don’t have a fully fledged pre-frontal cortex until their mid 20s so being able to manage risk, emotions, time, organisation - none of those things are online as yet, so if you look at it that way, then you can realise why social media is so addictive. They get that instant like, they get that gratification and validation - they are seen and heard. Those are the three values of what we need as women - to be seen. heard and valued and we’re getting all of those on social media in an instant.

The algorithms are set up to drip, drip, drip feed all the information that your teen daughter is interested in again and again and again etc and it is constant. They could be on their screen for the whole day but have no idea at all that 12 hours have passed, due to their pre-frontal cortex not being online, they don’t have that awareness of time. Even if there’s a clock in front of them, they’re not going to look at it if they’re on their screen.

So I talked this over with my teen daughter the other day, about some research that has come to light - a 10 year study from Boston University in USA, where it’s categorically stated that there is an elevated suicide risk in young teen girls and there is a massive correlation between the time spent on social media.

Those algorithms have a massive effect on mental health, and this is a fundamental new phenomenon of social media, the internet and gaming, that we have never seen before. This decade is the first decade where children are being raised with this level of exposure. By children I am saying from 2 years old all the way up. So if your teenage daughter is at the latter end of the teenage years so 17, 18, 19, they have escaped a lot of this exposure which is good, as they didn’t have any screens when young.

Our teen daughters brains are being manipulated by these algorithms as they are being drip, drip, drip fed again and again and again with their likes. So as soon as your daughter taps to say she likes something the algorithm is going ‘ok she likes it, let’s give her more and more and more’. It becomes a constant..

As you know we are social beings and we like being part of a community, we like to be connected, seen and valued, we like to be heard and this connection is being eroded not only teen to teen but teen to adult. Social media is taking up so much of their time and eye contact is also being reduced because they’re constantly on a screen as is social understanding because they’re always glued to a screen. That screen is giving them everything they need and more and you don’t have to go out of your house to do anything.

In essence social media and screens are working against how we are wired and that’s why we are seeing such a profound effect on mental health. There’s a huge disconnect on every level of society because of advanced increased technological advances. So making friends, being social, taking risks, being outside, moving around, being physical and connecting with each other is at risk because everyone is on their screen.

It’s up to us as parents to break this cycle and it’s not by saying you can’t go on social media, as that’ll blow up in your face and exacerbate the situation and your teen daughter will hide in her rom even more and there are less likely chances to connect.

So how do we reconnect, how do we break that cycle and put ourselves first before social media?

Tip 1

Take the time to talk to your teen daughter and connect with them to discuss your screen time together and put boundaries in place that work for you all. Have a family meeting and discuss it as a whole. By boundaries I am not saying take away her phone..cos this won’t work. Our boundaries are when we are out as a family or even me and my daughter, there are no screens. We don’t take our screens with us and it means we can connect, we can chat about what’s going on and we can make decisions together - it works.

Tip 2

When you’re at home, ask for similar boundaries, when you’re talking that they’re not on their phone. My hubbie is the classic - he sits there with his arm outstretched and hand hidden, answering something on his phone whilst I talk to him - he doesn’t connect and I feel useless. None of that conversation goes in as we can only focus on one thing at a time; that’s how our brains are set up.

When you’re having a conversation, there are no screens, when you’re having dinner, there are no screens, when you’re out in nature, there are no screens and it turns it around.

Tip 3

Those boundaries are to protect you and them, as you have more connection time, more eye contact and more understanding of one another - you get it - and it turns it around. It’s not about restricting our teen’s screen use, it’s about putting boundaries in place so that you are all taking responsibility for your social media use, you’re all taking responsibility for how much time you’re on your screen.

These boundaries becomes resourceful and connecting and loving and bonding for you as a person as you don’t need to spend all of your time on a screen and it calms your nervous system, it stops your body from producing adrenaline. It allows you to chill out, take a step back and connect as a family.

That is huge and massive, so how do you feel about putting boundaries in place?

Tip 4

By building a relationship with your teen daughter, by having conversations with her, by having negotiations with her, means that you are better able to manage what’s going on for her and you. Put one day a week aside where you have time out from your screen. I also put my phone down at 9.30pm, turn it off and charge it. The internet goes off in our house at 10pm and more often than not, my daughter turns it off if she’s on a longer call. Sometimes she forgets but that’s ok, it’s life.

By mirroring the behaviours that you want to see in your teen daughter, she can see it and can do it for herself. If you’re asking her to do something and you’re not doing it yourself, she’s not going to do it. It’s as simple as that so yeh let’s change the way we are with social media in our houses.

Let’s make more connection and on that note there is an amazing piece of research called Disrupt Your Feed and it’s available from The Female Lead https://www.thefemalelead.com/_files/ugd/05606b_20b037a8abd14f39a30526ca666fd82d.pdf and it’s about being happier without social media in your life, from 76,000 women.

A few insights from Disrupt Your Feed

78% of women believe that social media has negatively affected the way they view their bodies, so turning that around 21% believe social media has a positive effect on how they view their bodies

75% of women worry that social media has a negative impact on their mental health. I know that when I am feeling particularly anxious or feel like I am chasing my own tail every day, then i find myself picking my phone up and putting it down, then I feel that anxiety rising but we’re aware of it, our teen daughters aren’t. They’re just aware of getting that like, that recognition, that trust, that love because it’s external from them not within them and they get that courtesy of that drip, drip, drip feeding. 25% of women think that social media has a positive impact on their mental health.

Remember this researcher is out of 76,000 women so that is a massive amount of women.

59% of women believe their lives would be better if social media didn’t exist.

It’s about making sure that we self serve a balanced and healthy social media diet which is what I’ve been talking about with boundaries.

Let’s make the internet a safe space, let’s make social media a safe space. Let’s put these boundaries in place so then we are better able to manage what’s going on for us and our teenage daughters, because we know everybody has some recollection of a negative impact on social media.

Yes you can wait until the government sorts it out, you can wait until the social media platforms sort it out, but they’re not going to sorting it out, it’s as simple as that because it saves a role, because whoever came up with the platforms earn their money from it. So why would they going to put things in place? They’re not going to clean up their acts or if they do, it’ll take donkeys years. It’s about moving to a practical sense which is where I’ve been talking about these boundaries.

Instead of watching the norm set out by the algorithms, disrupt the feed and listen to and follow a diverse range of inspirational women across a variety of paths. Social media is a rich and powerful resources if we can put boundaries in place, which is massive.

On that note the community membership space is open for you to come and join, check out the library of resources in the membership space below by following the link below. It’s a fortnightly online call throughout the year; one on a topic of the 4 keys of the Disconnect to Connection roadmap and one as an open mic for whatever is going on for you with your teenage daughter right now. It’s about building a community for you and other like minded Mums, who want to explore different ways to connects tis their teen daughters, together.

If you’re interested in finding out more, and want to connect, or book in for the retreat, check out my website or click on the link below.

Alternatively if you would like to work with me either on a 1:1, with your teen daughter or as part of the community membership, check out all details via my website or click on one of the links below.

Take care

Rach x

Let’s build a community of like minded Mums, imperfectly parenting together

If you would like to find out more, check out my website

Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)

I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature

I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in

If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my work - all based on the Disconnection to Connection roadmap to building a deeper relationship.

Teen Whisperer Community

New Retreat for Mums

The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter

Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring

Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.

I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x