In this blog I talk about Mother’s Day

So originally it was going to be the weekend for my Mum’s retreat but after speaking to lots of Mums, they told me they wanted to spend time with their families, so an alternative date had to be found. It’s now the 9th-11th June if you’re interested and all information can be found on my website at www.positivetouch.net

As it’s now not the Mums’s retreat, it is still a time for YOU so I thought I would celebrate all things Mums and talk about showing up full, not empty as a Mum to your teen daughter.

So what do I mean by this?

Read on for what you can do for yourself and how you can show up to the best of your ability.

Continue reading or listen in to the full episode below 👇🏼

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I mean showing up nourished, energised, full of love and excitement for the day ahead rather than showing up exhausted and wishing it was bedtime already, and yup that was me a few years back. I didn’t understand why everyday was just a repeat of the day before, with me having no energy and never any time for myself or what I really wanted to do. It was like I was stuck on a roundabout or hamster wheel just running and running and running and not being able to get off. I was truly exhausted and felt totally pants about everything - my parenting, what was going on in my life, no sense of direction and the same old, same old.

But did you know that in order to show up full and ready to deal with whatever our teen daughters throw at us, both literally and metaphorically, we need to put our needs first every time.

Yes and before you say it, isn’t that selfish?

The quick answer is no, despite what professionals, education, the patriarchy, society, culture etc say about the subject. Remember what they say on a plane - to put your oxygen mask on first before putting your kids on them. Why do they say this? Well if you were to fight your children to put an alien mask on them, you wouldn’t have any energy for yourself.

So why don’t we do the same in day to day life?

If we don’t make time for ourselves each and every day, then we won’t have the time or energy to focus on our teen daughters.

When you look at it like that, it makes sense doesn’t it?

Tip 1

Your self care is a necessity not a luxury and if you feel really uncomfortable at the beginning, do it for your daughter until you get used to putting your needs first. Initially it does feel weird as we have all been brought up and our parents before us, to believe that doing anything for ourselves is selfish and we should focus on everyone else, before ourselves.  All this leads to exhaustion and burn out and a total disconnection to yourself as a woman, wife and Mum, making life 10 times harder.

It’s not worth it, so let’s change this NOW.

Tip 2

Remember that our daughters learn by what they see, so if she sees you putting your needs first then you will be modelling it for her. Another way to look at it, is to recognise that you can’t parent your daughter whilst your tank is empty - after all does your car get you from A to B if there isn’t any fuel in the tank? Nope it doesn’t, it stops there and then and the only way to get it moving is to refill that tank and yes this also happened to me - in a multi-storey car park at work when my car stopped on the slope from one level to another  - luckily it was after hours so it wasn’t busy but I did feel a tad stupid!! Anyway tangent gone down…

We need to keep our tanks full otherwise we cannot connect to our teen daughters or parent them to the best of our ability. Being a Mum is hard enough and requires stamina at times, without us showing up empty.

You cannot model self care if you’re running on empty and if her behaviour does escalate, you’re more likely to react, resort to the same old behaviour of screaming and shouting and go down the same old rabbit holes when your daughter does kick off.

If you don’t eat well, nourish your body, your heart or your soul, then your body runs on empty all the time and you don’t have enough energy for situations that you may find yourself in with your teen daughter.

Tip 3

If you view your self care like filling your tank up with energy so you can last the day, it becomes easier to manage. Another way to look at it, is as the battery level on your mobile phone. If it’s full, you can do anything on your phone - call. text, surf the web, have an online call…but if it’s 30% or less, it gets slower and slower and tasks take longer to do. Anyone resonate?

This radical notion of caring for and nourishing ourselves is such a taboo subject that it’s become something we don’t talk about or do. I remember a conversation with my Mother in law after her closest friend died, when I asked her how she was. Her answer was to say she was fine when she obviously wasn’t. She wouldn’t open up and talk to me.

On a similar thread, I grew up with the belief that you didn’t talk about how you were feeling and sad feelings were swept under the carpet. My Mum was told that cuddling me as a baby would be spoiling me, so I was left outside to cry and cuddles lacked connection and love. Interestingly it was only when I became an adult that she felt more comfortable and hugs became a warmer connection but they still weren’t heartfelt hugs. My mum spent so much of her life ignoring her own needs that she struggled to connect with me on levels that weren’t about disciplining me. Don’t get me wrong she showed me love in different ways but I really feel for her knowing what I know now.

Why is it that we feel we cannot talk about our emotions and how we are feeling? It’s like we can’t talk about it as we’ll open a can of worms that we cannot control but do you know that by living like this we live in the fight or flight mode on a constant surge of adrenaline with stress hormones constantly pumping around our veins. It just becomes normal, no wonder anxiety is the number one problem in the world right now. It’s become normal to be anxious and stressed all the time but it’s not the normal state of our nervous system.

Tip 4

When we create space for the positives in our life celebrating the simple things in your day, such as joy and goodness, you change your whole outlook. Having a daily meditation or journalling practice helps you to process the crap out of your head, as well as creating a daily practice of gratitude, you actually begin to flood your body with happy hormones so you feel calm, relaxed and full of energy . These endorphins help you to build bonding and connection with others around you and our whole approach to parenting and life changes.

This is why I start off the Disconnection to Connection roadmap with building YOU as the foundation to building a relationship based on trust and respect, with your teen daughter. Without YOU the whole relationship crumbles.

You know that feeling you get when you cuddle up on the sofa watching a film, with your daughter or someone else? Or sitting in from of a wood burner stretching and curling your toes as the warmth seeps into your body? The simple pleasures that come from connection and doing the things we love together. Having this time together literally injects pleasure into our lives and keeps your immune system strong.

This is what we want as Mums of teen daughters; to feel good about ourselves when our needs are being met first and foremost, to thrive in our relationships, not just survive.

Unfortunately there are many negatives in our culture to do with self care or resting and looking after your energy cycles, the most normal being that you are being lazy. You need to do, do, do but actually we are human beings not human doings..

Society regularly tells us that we can do it all but what if we don’t want to do it all? I don’t know about you, but being a Mum, a business owner, a wife and a homeowner is enough for me. Being a Superwoman and juggling all the balls in the air doesn’t work for me. I have no interest and to be truthful I don’t want the extra pressures that get thrown at us, you know being perfect in your parenting as a Mum, looking a certain way, working all hours, having the biggest house and mortgage, being successful = lots of money, having the latest car and having the perfect body shape - nope didn’t get that one right either - I’m 5’ 11” with size 8 feels so that’s one discounted.

At the end of the day all I want is to be comfortable, to have enough money coming in to pay the bills and a bit left over so we can spend money on treats and holidays, and time with my family to enjoy ourselves. That’s it, but society doesn’t like it, as I’m not pressurising my daughter to do something she’s not interested in and because I’m not sticking to the ideal, I’m not doing the traditional parenting of discipline and punishment. Instead I am all about connecting on a heart level so you can connect to your teen daughter.

Tip 4

Stepping into the role of being a Mum when you are fully nourished and your battery recharged gives you a completely different focus as to support your teen daughter.

You are working from a new perspective and one where your daughter will respect you though there may be a few initial bumps in the road as she gets used to you doing stuff for yourself. They won’t be the centre of your world any more, you will be and that takes a fair amount of push/pull to reach a happy middle ground, where she can see that by putting yourself first, you have more time and energy for her needs.

This is an optimal zone of being a parent where you can function to the best of your ability as you’re taking care of yourself at every level. You’re not just serving in the teenage years, you are thriving with your teen daughter. What a space to be in!

This is also the space where being a Mum comes natural as you are no longer listening to the stereotypical view of parenting, you’re in tune with you and what works for your teenage daughter.

So what are you going to do for yourself this Mother’s Day? After all it is your day as well as Connection Day, so make a new commitment and let’s make a change together.

Let’s parent imperfectly and connect to ourselves first and foremost.

If you would like to talk more about this subject or any others, feel free to connect with me or check out my website at www.positivetouch.net

Enjoy Mother’s Day and I’ll speak to you next week.

Alternatively if you would like to work with me either on a 1:1, with your teen daughter or as part of the community membership, check out all details via my website or click on one of the links below.

Take care

Rach x

Let’s build a community of like minded Mums, imperfectly parenting together

If you would like to find out more, check out my website

Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)

I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature

I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in

If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my work - all based on the Disconnection to Connection roadmap to unlocking your relationship with your teen daughter using 4 simple keys of you, understanding, communication & connection.

Teen Whisperer Community

New Retreat for Mums

The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter

Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring

Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.

I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x

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