4 Tips to Making Internet Boundaries
A desk with an iMac, laptop, iPhone and tablet with keyboard
In this blog I talk about the transition a child goes through to becoming an adult. It’s not as simple as one day you’re a child and the next an adult because you just turned 18, there’s a lot more at play here that even the professionals don’t talk about as much…
Connected to this transition is the effect the internet has on our teenagers’ brain, especially those of our teen girls.
Read on to find out how to support your teen daughter with the internet..and no I’m not talking about screen time limits, I’m talking about the art of negotiation and being aware of how the internet can negatively affect our teen girls.
Find out 4 tips to making internet boundaries so you can support your teen daughter in this ever advancing technological world.
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The internet is literally everywhere; where once we had to wait until we got home to do anything, you can now be connected wherever you are.
The internet has many positives like connecting us with others in a different country through online video platforms or allowing us to make friends without waiting for the post… We can now access people we couldn’t in the past and it can make our worlds so much bigger, but there are also a few negatives.
By being aware of how these negatives affect us and our teen girls, helps us to manage and support them.
So you know that time when you’re asking your teen daughter to do something and she’s just not listening?
Is she on her phone or another screen?
Can she hear you?
Very possibly the answer to those questions is NO.
Have you ever been on your screen and been so engrossed that you haven’t heard or seen someone else come into the room? Sometimes I can be so taken in by what’s on the screen in front of me that a 💣 could go off, a volcano could erupt or someone could dance stark naked in front of me and I wouldn’t have a clue 🤣
So if this happens for me and I am fully aware and have a brain that is completely online, how does it affect our daughters?
Well she cannot connect to anything outside of her bubble; the bubble of her screen that is…and this effect gets far worse if they also have headphones on…She’s not going to be able to listen because all of her focus is on that screen.
So if you’re getting angry at her ‘cos she’s not responding when in fact, in reality she can’t hear or see you despite looking straight at you, then you’re onto a losing streak.
So how can you help?
Tip 1
When your teen daughter is on her screen and you want to speak to her, lay your hand gently on her knee. This way she can feel your presence and the warmth of your hand on her leg, and she knows you want to connect.
Do not wave your hands around her and scream in her face at the top of your voice, as she just won’t get it and when she does come out from under her headphones, she may be really confused by all your agro.
Work with her not against her, and make sure that your gentle touch on her knee is just that - gentle. If you slap your hand down because you’re in a rush, she will jump out of her skin and the situation will escalate.
So that’s one way to connect with her whilst she’s on a screen.
Tip 2
Make sure that when you put boundaries in place for her, like about when to be off her screen before bed for example, that the whole family stick to them too. If you ask her to be off her phone by 9.30pm and you’re still on yours till 10.30pm, she’s gonna be like ‘Wait a minute, why have I got this rule but Mum is allowed to do whatever she wants?’ This will just annoy and frustrate her and any boundaries you put in place will not be stuck to. Remember what I said in previous blogs; our teen girls learn by what they see, not necessarily just hearing you.
So try and get as many people in the family to stick to those boundaries whatever they may be. It may be screens off at a certain time - I turn my phone off at 9.30pm and close my iPad though I do use it for music if I am struggling to get to sleep.
On that note if they do listen to music or audios before bedtime, have a slightly more flexible approach as this can help them to sleep. One option could be to turn the backlighting down so there is less bright light that stimulates the brain into thinking it’s daytime or having a time limit, to stop them being on their phone all night, but again we need to stick to these boundaries too.
On this note, ideally have all phones charging outside your room but if you don’t want to or cannot for lack of plugs, then take off the wifi and data and just let the screen charge without any electromagnetic frequencies that can disrupt sleeping patterns.
Tip 3
Talk to your teen daughter about social media and what’s going on for them. Get her involved in as much of the decisions as you can because if she sees you putting a boundary in place for her, without talking talking to her, then all she’s gonna say is “Well why? That’s not fair, why are you doing that to me?’ If you suddenly introduce a time limit or something when she’s already used to be on her screen whenever she wants to be, she’s going to think you’re taking it away from her and then you’ll have that push/pull - that counterwill - that I have talked about so many times before, where she’s just like ‘Wait a minute I was on this quite happily and suddenly you want to take it away from me, what happened?’
Sit down and have a conversation with her, involving her in the decision making process. It’s about having an open and curious relationship where you both decide on decisions together and if she doesn’t feel comfortable with the decision, ask her what it is she wants to change, so you then come to a middle ground where you both are comfortable with the decision made.
So have boundaries in place for you and your teen daughter, for screen time. It’s about working together with your teen daughter to come up with boundaries that work for both of you.
Tip 4
The last tip is to talk about online safety; to talk about the algorithms that feed into what she sees on her screen. Although I don’t know the ins and outs of the algorithms, I do know that if you’re on any of the major platforms, the software behind it will figure out what you’re looking at and feed you more and more of that topic.
I know that when I’ve been on instagram and have looked at one post for literally seconds, and I will instantly be inundated with hundreds of posts all offering the same thing. But I can switch off, I can go ‘enough is enough’ but our teen daughters can’t as this part of their brain is not fully online. They get engrossed and get pulled in time and time again, which is where the extreme behaviours come from.
Checkout the film The Social Dilemma on Netflix or check out the website here
On that note if she’s worried about anything, the more you can put these boundaries in place, the more she can see you are there to support her and she’ll come to you if needed. On the other hand if you see her struggling, you can ask her what’s happening? what’s going on? and she’ll more than likely open up and tell you what’s happening online or in a group.
My daughter got slated the other month on a group chat she was on, for supporting her friend but because the others didn’t understand the relationship or the humour between her and her friend, they let rip at her, which made her feel absolutely crap. But do you know what she came to me and said ‘they’re slating me, I really don’t like how they’re being with me’ and I asked her what she wanted to do and she said ‘I’m going to come off that group for two weeks see if I still need it and if I don’t, I’m gong to pull out completely.’ So what she do? She pulled out of it completely, she set herself a time frame, and at the end of it decided she didn’t need to be on the group chat and left the group - that’s HUGE - and gives her such a feeling of ‘I can do it’.
Having said that my daughter is 18 but this can happen with all of our teen daughters, because if they know that you have their back whatever is going on for them, then they will come forward to you more and more.
At the end of the day our teen daughters need us more during their teenage years than at any other time in their lives - little known fact that one.
They are becoming independent but they also want you there, they are doing things on their own but want you there, they are pushing out from their normal comfort zones but they know you are there for them whatever they do.
So there are 4 tips for you to help you with your teenage daughter, to help her when she is online and with the internet.
On the note of internet and boundaries, if you resort to the traditional parenting strategy of taking her phone away as a punishment, be warned it possibly isn’t the best idea as this is where she has that connection with her friends. You take that away from her, her behaviour will very likely escalate and become a lot worse, and that’s not what any of us want at the end of the day. Removing her phone will only increase secrecy, hiding in her room, angst, anxiety and she will disconnect with you more than ever, so that’s not what you want either.
If you’re interested in finding out more, and want to connect, check out my website or click on the link below.
Alternatively if you would like to work with me either on a 1:1, with your teen daughter or as part of the community membership, check out all details via my website or click on one of the links below.
Take care
Rach x
Let’s build a community of like minded Mums, imperfectly parenting together
If you would like to find out more, check out my website
Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)
I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature
I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in
If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my work - all based on the Disconnection to Connection roadmap to building a deeper relationship.
The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter
Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x