How understanding what’s going on, helps your teen daughter
photo credit Brett Jordan @brett_jordan
Following on from the other week when I was talking about counterwill and how it shows up in your teenage daughter, especially at times of stress, when they feel they are being coerced into doing something she doesn’t want to do..like exams for instance.
So why is understanding counterwill important?
It serves a twofold developmental function
A defence that repels command and influence outside of the normal attachment circle - so family and friends - it protected the teen from being misled and coerced
It also fosters the growth of your teen daughter’s internal will and autonomy by loosening the psychological dependence on family and learning what she wants. Figuring out what we want has to begin with what we don’t want.
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Our teenagers are not being stubborn, wilful, defiant or trying to get their own way. In fact the defensive reaction as played out by us the parent is what’s strong, not our teen daughters. Counterwill happens to our teen girls rather than being instigated by her. It may take the teen as much by surprises it does us. I remember my daughter telling me ‘it’s if a red mist has come down and I don’t know what I’m doing’, she’s right, she doesn’t know.
The reason our teen daughters experience counterwill, is that it is healthy drive for independence. She is resisting being helped as she wants to do it herself, she resists direction so she can find her own way, to discover her own mind, to find her drive and listen in to her intuition.
As I’ve said before should does not exist in parenting despite traditional parenting strategies saying that they do. Our teen daughters need to discover their preferences and ways of doing things away from our ways. They need to be curious and excited by something so that they can learn and evolve. Doing something because it’s always been that way doesn’t inspire anyone and definitely not a teen girl.
Counterwill is like a psychological immune system that reacts defensively to anything that doesn’t sit well with them. As long as we as parents make room for our teen daughters to discover themselves whilst still being attached, progress will be made. Stifling a child’s innate curiosity and love for things, stops them in their tracks and it can take a while for that teenager to believe in themselves again (tell me about it, I am that teenager).
Counterwill protects our teens from becoming an extension of someone else and allows them to develop into understanding who they are, as an emergent, independent being, full of vitality and able to function away from us.
As genuine independence develops and maturity occurs, counterwill fades.
So how does peer orientation affect our teen daughters when counterwill is at play?
At this time counterwill shows up as keeping the teen from being bossed around by those with whom she has no wish to be close to and by that I mean us and teachers. Rather than preparing the way to independence, counterwill protects her dependence on peers which means detachment from parents like us. The pull is one way - towards the peers at all times. There is no middle ground and there is no time to be with the family.
More and more when parents are faced with this pulling away, they pull the opposite way and back off entirely (and yes this is where I was a few years ago). Courtesy of traditional parenting advice I was told that the best way was to ignore the behaviours but all that did was break the last few threads of connection I had with my daughter.
We were left in a space where neither of us talked or were at one together. It was a very uncomfortable existence for a few months, where I felt bullied and alienated by my own daughter and she felt ignored and a lack of trust by me, preferring the draw of social media to stem her need for connection. All I wanted was for someone to fix the situation, never realising that this person had to be ME. The very behaviours my daughter was showing, was what I needed to heal in myself.
Faced with a demanding teenager, many parents reaction is to control the situation more, but by doing this, we miss how much they need us. When our daughters really kick off, we resort to being the teen with her and kick back at it all, leading to a power struggle and escalating the situation. When this happens our teenagers have lost the parent they desperately need.
At the end of the day, being aware of our reactions and understanding how counterwill affects our teen daughters, helps her to stay connected to us. If we don’t try to understand how counterwill affects our teen daughters and they feel you don’t understand, they will naturally become more peer orientated.
4 insights on counterwill
is a natural reaction when being pushed or coerced
is not a drive for power
is not a conscious act on your teen daughter’s part
does not mean your daughter is controlling, manipulative
4 ways to help your daughter
have regular downtime sessions so she can open up to what is going on - let her talk and you listen with no distractions
let her know you are always there for her
understanding what’s going on for her
making space for your needs mirrors back onto her
Take care
Rachel x
Let’s build a community of like minded Mums together
If you would like to find out more, check out my website
Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)
I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature
I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in.
If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my programmes:
Teen Whisperer Community Space
The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter
Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring
Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x
