Is your teen daughter struggling with emotional overwhelm as exams approach?
photo credit Kinga Cichewicz @all_who_wander
Are you finding your teen daughter more defiant as the pre-exam season approaches?
4 simple ways to bring her back on board…
You know those times when you ask your daughter to do something and her first word is NO before you’ve even finished asking her the question?
No one likes to be pushed around especially children, despite what traditional parenting strategies say about being ‘in control’ of your teenager’s life.
The traditional parenting view is that your teen is being purposely resistant, manipulative or downright rude. In fact what is at play here is a natural instinct called counterwill; coined by an amazingly insightful Austrian psychologist called Otto Rank and used by Dr Gordon Neufeld in his book Hold onto your Kids.
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Counterwill is triggered when children feel controlled or coerced by others. It's not resistance as such, it’s a developmental milestone that occurs during the toddler years and in the teenage years.
Ok now I’ve said it - the toddler word - remember those times? The times when your daughter wanted to put on her clothes (the wrong way round normally), wear her wellies to bed (or was that just mine?), eat the same food over and over and over, refuse to join in with other friends and kick off just because…
Well, the teenage years are just another form of toddler-dom, just a few years onwards from the first.
So your daughter is pushing out from being a child and reinventing herself as she moves into the final stage of child development - the teenage years. No longer does she want to wear what she has been wearing for the past few years, no longer does she want to hang out with the same friends, no longer does she want to have her hair styled the same way, no longer does she want to do the same activities that she has loved; she is changing.
Being a teenager is a stage for reinvention and discovering herself; it’s a time to rejoice who she is becoming not look backwards to who she was and wish you could have that girl back.
Counterwill naturally reappears with a vengeance during the teenage years due to the developmental stage they are in but add in all the pressures and expectations that education, media, social media, society and cultural puts on them, it gets far far worse. The common misconception that our teen daughters need their peers (friends) more than us also has a play here. You end up stepping back from your natural role as guide and supporter.
Counterwill shows up in many ways both physical and verbal - from defiance, downright refusal, faffing or procrastination, doing the exact opposite to what has been asked, disobedience, the roll of the eyes, the downward turn of the mouth. It can appear as laziness, or lack of motivation, negativity, angsty, argumentative.
No matter what it looks like, the underlying reasoning is simple - it’s a resistance to being forced.
The very fact that it’s something important to us, can make our teens feel less like doing it. The more we pressure them, the less inclined they are to do it.
If you add peer orientation to the mix, the situation gets far harder to manage. A coaching client of mine said that one of her daughter’s friends said ‘when you’re 18, it’ll be so much easier cos then you’re an adult and your parents can’t tell you what to do. Unfortunately it’s not that simple and as adults, we regularly encounter people trying to make us do things a certain way.
What people are forgetting is that we are all individuals, with our own spirit, characteristics and personality. There isn’t a one size fits all approach and we need to understand what makes us tick, what makes our teens tick and then tailor our support to them and us.
Our teens are just doing what’s natural for them at this time in their development, counterwill is a natural form of instinct; they are just pushing away from people they don’t feel attached to. The more peer orientated a teen is, the more resistant they are to adults in charge.
By undermining a child’ attachment with parents, peer orientation turns the counterwill instinct against the very people the teen needs to be looking to for guidance and direction. Peer orientated teens instinctively resist even the smallest ask from a parent. Where a teen feels undermined or lacking in awareness, she will shut down and refuse to engage. Closed doors do this in a subtle way meaning your daughter doesn’t have to engage with you. Added to this is the downright hostility if you try to access said room.
However, the more connected and attached your teen daughter is to you, the less likely that counterwill will be an issue.
Ok now it’s beginning to make sense, isn’t it?
So, how can you help?
Don’t take behaviours personally; she isn’t kicking off at you, she is kicking off at the situation - remove yourself from the situation
Tell her you’ll be there for her whenever and wherever she is calm - leave her to her own devices until then
When she’s calm, sit down with her and set boundaries that explain to her why you won’t tolerate her speaking to you like that/behaving a certain way - this gives her guidance
Have a safe space within the home that you can go to when she is kicking off - she has her room, you need somewhere too that is your space where you can chill, relax and regroup If you want to connect with me check out my details below.
Take care
Rachel x
Let’s build a community of like minded Mums together
If you would like to find out more, check out my website
Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)
I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature
I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in
EXCITING NEWS I’ll be starting another Be Yourself Just for Teens workshop at the beginning of February, before the mock exams, so sign up on behalf of your daughter NOW
If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my programmes:
Teen Whisperer Community Space including NEW retreat over the Mother’s Day weekend 17-19th March 2023
The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter
Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring
Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x
