How past traumas affect us in our parenting
photo credit Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona
Have you ever found yourself reacting massively to a small situation where all reactions were taken out of context?
As young children we were regularly told to push our thoughts down and ignore them time and time again but this doesn’t work.
Past traumas come back up when you least expect it, unconsciously in our parenting.
They affect how you react to everything - stress, parenting, how you are with yourself.
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Have you ever found yourself looking back after a situation where something just escalated way out of control?
This could be where your past traumas are at play so when I’m saying traumas I am literally meaning anything - in your childhood; bullying, chronic illness, sexual abuse, disconnection of family, sibling rivalry or something more recent; acute illness, mental health, divorce, bereavement, grief from loss of friendships or who you were.
These can all show up in your lives time and time again but most of the time it is showing up unconsciously. I know we’ve been told to shove it in a box, lock it and never open it again or keep brushing it under the carpet, but these things don’t work. All that happens is those doubt, worries get bigger and bigger and affect our every waking moment of our lives.
Past traumas affect how you react to your teen daughter, how you react to yourself, how you react to stress; that’s all due to your past traumas.
So by understanding what’s going on for you in that moment, helps you to turn that switch OFF, helps you to change it and become that you always dreamt of having as a child, or the parent that you know you are deep inside.
So when trauma shows up in our lives, we tend to do things a certain way so when I get stressed, I stop being interested in food, cooking, buying, anything to do with food really. I can control, it and that’s where because of trauma, you have lost that control. It became something else that was being taken away from you and there’s many ways that you can control the situation. I could binge and comfort eat but I don’t; I just stop eating altogether.
It becomes a no win situation and you come stuck in it so when I get triggered in my daughter’s behaviour so yesterday we had a situation where she was booked in for a 1:1 with a climbing instructor and she kicked off as she was full of overwhelm and was exhausted.
I felt myself being triggered and feeling those feelings of being worthless as a parent, me being sad that she’s not doing what she wants to do. Having said that, they were my feelings not hers, so by taking myself out of the situation, it became easer to manage. I told her that I would like her ready as we were leaving in 15 minutes and yes she was going.
By putting in this boundary and container that she needed, it meant there wasn’t another kickoff and that she understood she was going. The boundary was for me - to leave her alone and go downstairs and the safe container was for her - to get out of bed, get dressed so we could go.
And do you know what? She did.
If on the other hand I had stood there at her door screaming at her and being the child in the situation with her, it would have escalated that behaviour and made that red mist come down and a) I could have been attacked, b) I could have felt even worse and c) I wouldn’t have gone anywhere and I would have spent money on an argument at home..
So..it’s understanding those triggers, it’s understanding the trigger of the feeling that you get inside of yourself when you recognise a feeling, a behaviour is reflecting on you. By understanding those triggers and understanding how you re-act, helps you to support your teen daughter.
I get triggered when I think about putting my message out there; sometimes our brains and egos take over and tell us we’re worthless, stupid, unqualified, can’t do something etc.
However there are ways of getting through this, there are ways and by joining me in my community membership, you can learn this. There is a library of resources that you can pick up and drop whenever you need it, whenever something is going on for your teenage daughter.
At the end of the day, it’s about giving you back the control in your relationship with your teen daughter, so come and join me - check out the details below.
Take care
Rachel x
Let’s build a community of like minded Mums, imperfectly parenting together
If you would like to find out more, check out my website
Vox me on Voxer (a walkie talkie app)
I’m on Instagram at teen.whisperer.nature
I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link and book in
If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my work - all based on the Disconnection to Connection roadmap to building a deeper relationship.
The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter
Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring
Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x
