Why is my teen daughter so angry?
Ever get those feelings that your teen daughter hates you? Everything you try just doesn’t cut it any more..and you’re feeling lost and alone..
4 Insights into what’s actually happening with your teenage daughter
We regularly get told by society that the teenage years are the hardest, especially with a teen girl..you know the angst, the eye rolling, the kicking off, the slamming of doors, the screaming in your face. Apparently according to a lot of the professionals. education etc, this is ‘normal’ and this is their way of telling you that they don’t need you any more and you should leave them be, let them make their own decisions and spend more time with their friends.
What if I told you that it doesn’t have to be this way?
What if I told you you can have that relationship you have always dreamed of; to be connected and have fun together?
What would you say?
Listen to the full episode here or if you prefer to read, carry on going..
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Hi! I’m Rachel, the anti of all things traditional parenting when working with our teenage daughters 13-24; you know the grounding, the belittling, the control, coercion, the punishment etc.
I have been there where you are right now; walking on eggshells and feeling lost and alone, feeling like you’ve lost your teenage daughter and there’s nothing you can do. I have spent the last two years reading, researching and listening, so I could come up with ideas that I can put into place with my own teenage daughter. Yes you read that correctly, I have a 17 year old teen daughter so I know how you feel. I wanted to find a better, more grounded way to bring her up so we could work in partnership together.
Insight 1: Our teen girls are getting pressured every single day of their lives and if you were to look at what they go through every single day, it’s huge and massive. No wonder they explode at you or want to be on their own, it’s quite enlightening when you look at their lives from their view. Our teen girl’s brain are completely different from teen boys (as are ours) and yet education is still built on the teenage boy’s brain, so if they’ve ever been told ‘oh it’s just her hormones, here she goes again, she’s crying again’ it’s not just their hormones, it’s their brain’s development, and that is one massive insight into what’s going on for you and your teenage daughter.
Insight 2: Can you remember when your teen daughter was a toddler? Their development right now is very similar to what they went through then. As a toddler, she was pushing against you and out of being a baby and wanting to make her own decisions. The word ‘no’ became a very common word during this time, as well as the tantrums, the foot stamping, the throwing of food, the refusing to put the clothes on that you had put out, as she wanted to wear her own clothes.
Now move all that behaviour up into the teenage years? Noting any similarities to your teen daughter now? This is exactly what they are doing..they are pushing away from being a child who was more dependent on you, they want to build their independence to become the person they want to be. Being a teen girl is about exploration into who they want to be, so they need to experience making choices as to change who they were as a child (and yes most of the time they go completely against that persona). If you realise it like that, it becomes so much easier to understand.
Insight 3: With those insights in mind, let’s look at the brain and this is why I say our teen girls don’t magically become an adult at 18 years. The pre-frontal cortex doesn’t become fully developed until they are in their mid 20s so this is why risk taking happens and this is why the pull of their screens is so strong. This is why risk taking happens, the recognition of getting the likes on social media is so powerful; of seeing the likes grow, of having the ‘connection’, that constant distraction of picking up/putting down their phone, the notifications that says they are respected, loved and needed. This is what feeds their brains, that constant like, that constant recognition, this is what feeds their brains into believing who they are.
Their teenage brains are changing constantly changing, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It’s called neuroplasticity and it’s when their brain shuts off bits that they don’t need any more, replacing it with new bits (like branches of a tree). Even when they’re asleep their brains are awake and are constantly changing. This is where the ruminating thoughts come in and when the sleep issues appear. This is where the going to bed later as that is due to the delayed melatonin not being released into their blood stream until past 11pm at night. This is why they have sleep issues and are constantly tired. They need more sleep during their teenage years than they did as a toddler, and it’s all due to their brain development.
Insight 4: There are so many stressors in their days starting before they even get out of bed. If she hasn’t slept, she is going to be grumpy and short fused, she is going to be unable to control her emotions which is where the aargh comes at you when you ask her a question at brekkie. So there’s at least 20 stressors there, the what do I wear, what do I have to do today, who is going to be there, looking at her phone, scrolling, getting ready, running out of time.
Think of her stress as a small plant pot, by the time she has had her brekkie, her bucket is already overflowing. If you ask her something and she hasn’t got the mental clarity to be able to answer your question, she will explode; that’s her go to and it’s totally natural and understandable.
Now can you see why your teen daughter is struggling?
I want you to have the best possible relationship with your teenage daughter, but how I hear you cry? Can it really exist in today’s society?
I am here to say yes it can, 100% but you need to want to put the work in, to believe that you can change this.
If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my programmes:
Teen Whisperer Community Space
The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter
Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring
Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.
Looking forward to speaking more, take care Rachel x
