When Did We Stop Getting Curious?
This is where I talk about the things that annoy the hell out of me, but the podcast isn’t really the best place for them.
So here we are.
Right now, it’s the idea that behaviour is something to diagnose rather than something to understand.
We didn’t used to think this way
When our girls were babies and they cried or screamed, did we automatically jump to a diagnosis?
Of course we didn’t.
We tried to figure out what was going on.
We asked ourselves questions like:
Was she hungry?
Thirsty?
Uncomfortable?
Windy?
Had she filled her nappy?
Did she want to move?
Was she bored?
Was she cold?
Too hot?
Tired?
Did she just need a cuddle?
We became detectives.
We looked for clues before we jumped to conclusions.
Because we understood that behaviour was communication.
Somewhere Along the Way, Things Changed
Yet somewhere along the way, when our girls reached the teenage years, that seems to have changed.
Now a teenager is struggling emotionally, withdrawing socially, acting out, shutting down, or behaving differently, and everyone wants an explanation before they’ve shown any curiosity.
A label before a conversation.
A conclusion before an investigation.
A diagnosis before understanding.
And that’s where I think we’re getting it wrong.
Now, before anyone comes at me, I’m not saying diagnoses aren’t real. I’m not saying they aren’t helpful. And I’m certainly not saying that some girls don’t genuinely need assessment, support and accommodations.
What I am saying is that behaviour should never be viewed through one lens alone.
Bevaiour Doesn’t Happen in Isolation
Because behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation.
It’s the final chapter of a story most people haven’t bothered to read.
Society, healthcare and education can be very quick to draw conclusions while only seeing part of the picture.
Yes, your daughter may be masking at school. But before we assume we know why, shouldn’t we get curious?
Is she feeling ignored?
Unheard?
Judged?
Uncomfortable?
Like she doesn’t belong?
Most of us behave differently depending on the environment we’re in. We adapt. We fit in. We protect ourselves. We show different versions of ourselves depending on who we’re with and how safe we feel.
Behaviour is Never Just About One Thing
That’s why I always say: “Behaviour is Never Just About One Thing”
Because it isn’t.
There is always more going on beneath the surface.
What’s her sleep like?
How much time is she spending on her phone?
What does her nutrition look like?
Is she moving her body?
How is her breathing?
What’s happening with her brain health?
Where is she in her menstrual cycle?
What developmental stage is she moving through?
What’s happening in her friendships, at school, or at home?
What stress is she carrying that nobody can see?
Behaviour is the visible tip of the iceberg.
A diagnosis might explain part of the picture.
It is not always the whole picture.
Because behaviour is sleep.
It’s nutrition.
It’s movement.
It’s hormones.
It’s relationships.
It’s environment.
It’s belonging.
It’s development.
It’s life.
Our Girls Deserve Better Than Easy Answers
The problem is that looking at the whole picture takes time.
It’s much easier to look at one piece of the puzzle and decide you’ve found the answer.
But our girls deserve better than easy answers.
They deserve adults who are willing to stay curious long enough to understand what’s really going on underneath the behaviour.
Less jumping to conclusions.
More asking questions.
Curiosity before conclusions.
That’s the shift I’d love to see.
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Let’s keep whispering together - your teen is listening, even if she doesn’t always show it.
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