The truth about being a Mum of a teen…
Thursday morning wasn’t the easiest to put it politely and yeh I could shy away from doing this blog, but actually, I think us Mums are swimming and need to appreciate that whilst not everything is hunky-dory, things do go wrong and it’s ok for them to go that way. That’s the truth about being a Mum of a teen.
Why Mums don’t have to be perfect
We don’t have to be perfect, well I’ve never been perfect ever in my life. I don’t even attempt to be perfect cos it’s something that’s way beyond my control. It’s way beyond anything that I’ve ever been able to do in my life and I think it’s important as I say, that we get this message out there - as women things do go wrong for us and things aren’t perfect, to help other people realise that.
Many things happen for a reason, many things are way out of our control especially as Mums of teens and young adults, way out of our control and sometimes actually way out of our teens’ or young adults’ control. The thing is not to belittle yourself, not to put yourself down that you haven’t been able to do A, B, C, X, Y, Z in that morning because you SHOULD have been able to do it.
The shoulds are what ruin our lives for us because they are other people’s perceptions of what we need to be doing and not necessarily ours. Ok, there are the things that we ‘have’ to do in a day (I’m trying not to use the word should here).
So this morning my daughter needed to be at the farm for 09:00 but unfortunately, she had a bad night's sleep which resulted in a meltdown. This then meant I wasn’t able to take her there for 09:00 and yeh even I went down the traditional route of, not blame as such, but ‘if you won’t do this, then I’ll take this away from you.’ So it’s more of a threat and although I say this isn’t a threat, it’s a consequence, it comes out as a threat and then obviously, well if your teen is anything like mine, they refuse to listen to you and then literally attacks you verbally.
At that moment I just need to get out of the situation as otherwise, it would have become toxic.
I went for a walk up at the quarry with Maisie the dog and blew all the cobwebs away.
My own experience of being a Mum with a teenage daughter
Now the reason I am putting this out on a blog is to say that, yeh I may be a coach/mentor for Mums of teens, but even I don’t get it right 100% of the time and if I did, I wouldn’t be real, I would be fake, and that’s what I want to get out to you guys that:
Every day is a school day
Life is an experiment
It’s not your responsibility to fix it
So my daughter said to me that she wasn’t going to the farm. So I said ‘ok with that responsibility you need to tell the farm you’re not going, don’t expect me to tell them.’ If you’re old enough to take that responsibility and make that decision that you’re not going, you’re also old enough to pass that message on.’
Of course that never happened as my teen’s route is to kick off, shout, scream, make the other person’s life a misery and then storm off.
In reality, it’s a bit like sticking your head in the sand and hoping that it all goes away so that by the time you come back out again, you say sorry. But she’s 16, she’s getting to that stage when she’s nearly finished her GCSEs and I know it’s a weird time and I know there’s a lot of pressure on her right now which I get but… she’s closer to being an “adult” than a child.
She needs to have the awareness that this is the next stage of her life and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. She can’t blame me for it as it has nothing to do with me. Her go-to in the past would have been to get aggressive towards me, but I’ve been there, done that and am not repeating that experience again.
How I use my self-care tools to ground me
Every time she escalates, I recognise the signs and protect myself first, so even though she wanted to make my life a misery this morning, I didn’t let her.
The kick-off was her problem and her feelings, I tried to reason with her but it didn’t work. So my self-care instinct kicked in and I power walked for 3.5 miles at the top of the quarry where the wind blew around me. It was only then that I felt strong enough to return home.
In that time I had spoken to the farm where we arranged she needed to be in by 11:00 and they would have a chat with her about responsibility.
Yes ok, my teen has chronic fatigue but it’s not a reason for not doing these things. It’s not an excuse. However, it is a reason why she cannot commit to 6 hours of study a day right now and why she struggles when she doesn’t sleep as her energy levels are so low. That said, it’s still important for her to take responsibility for her actions.
As I say you’re not the only one, none of us are the only ones.
We’re going to come across these issues within our own lives not only with our teens, possibly with our spouses or partners, friends, other members of the family, but at the end of the day those thoughts are their thoughts, that’s their opinions and there is nothing you can do to change that opinion. You are not there to fix it/them, that’s not your role as a Mum.
You are a woman first and foremost and you need to take care of yourself.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your teen or young adult
How can I help you take care of yourself?
Below are two key services I offer to help support you, as a stressed-out mum. Whether you need 1:1 mentoring support over a longer period of time, or just some space to focus on yourself within a safe and secure community with other mums facing the same challenges as you, my below programme and workshop offer just that.
A Deep Dive into the life You Want - 6-month 1:1 mentoring support
A bespoke programme to intuitively help you to enjoy the company of your teen, sit down with them to chat and do the simple things in life you always imagined you could together, totally free from drama. Sessions are held every 3 weeks via zoom or voxer (voice app) with questionnaires at the beginning and end of the programme.
All worksheets are included so you can take the time to really find out who you are and what you want.
The programme is all about YOUR needs and loves, to do the things that inspire you so you can get out of this rut and put yourself first. £1500
Find out more about A Deep Dive into the Life You Want.
Stop Juggling, Start Living - 4 part group workshop
My 4 part workshop called Stop Juggling, Start Living helps you to make space for yourself so you have time to focus on your needs before everyone else’s.
I introduce you to simple self-help tools that allow you to be more connected to yourself so you feel energised to work in partnership with your teen daughter.
£149
Find out more about Stop Juggling, Start Living.
You haven’t just been put on this earth to look after everyone else and forget about your own needs. If you’re interested connect with me to find out more. Looking forward to speaking and chatting with you as I build up my blog over the next few weeks and months. Take care xxx