4 Simple Tools to help you manage the overwhelm for you & your teenage daughter..at this time of year

Last week I introduced the commonly misunderstood and missed step of building that ever elusive connection and relationship with your teen daughter, especially at this time - the build up to Christmas - the ‘shoulds’, media, perfection, fear and the arrgh!!

This week I am going to be building on what I talked about last week…

Putting boundaries in place for you and your teenage daughter is paramount to you guys not becoming overwhelmed over Christmas.

Making space for yourselves to do the things that you want to do. Christmas is not about being together 24/7, I know I would go absolutely insane if I was with my family 24/7 from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed; it would drive me potty. I’m used to my own space, they are used to their own space, if we are all together, it will escalate and possibly result in an argument. So what’s the point?

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It’s about having time to connect to you and having time to connect with your teenage daughter and the rest of your family within the boundaries, within the safe spaces.

I am going to introduce you to planning; plans help to build a structure into the day. It doesn’t have to be set in stone, it can still be flexible. So make a plan for making the dinner together with you handing over the reigns and each of you having a job to do. Giving family members their own job to do helps them to feel involved and part of the process so they don’t have to fill in time on their iPads or gaming. By making that plan in advance, we all work together and I know that I’m not going to be doing it all on my own which is the last thing we (as Mums) want over Christmas. The last thing we want is for you to be running around like a headless chicken whilst everyone else just chills on the sofa eating nibbles. This is not what Christmas is about and it’s not what I believe our roles ‘should’ be.

The more we can provide our teen daughters with a structure, boundaries and safe spaces, means that they know what’s going on. That’s what they need; they need that structure and plan so that they can manage themselves and their energy, emotions and what’s going on for them.

So as well as planning the food, you can also plan the day so I get up, take the dog for a walk; that isn’t going to change over Christmas as she still needs to be taken for a wee and poo. I will still get up first, I will still take Maisie for a walk however long it is.. that is my time. I can still meditate or do mindfulness, I can still have time for myself and I can still take Maisie for a walk which is my safe space and my soul food cos being out in nature feeds me. So that’s the morning and if my teen daughter doesn’t want to get out of bed, she doesn’t need to get out of bed. by the time I come back, she’s normally awake so we’ll have brekkie together and then we do what we need to do.

Just plan the bones of your day, it doesn’t have to be set in stone for it to work because if your teen daughter’s not feeling great or she doesn’t have the energy for it or something’s just knocked her sideways and she doesn’t have a clue what’s going on for her.

Making it a fixed structure with no flexibility will increase anxiety both for her and for you. This is where behaviours escalate because we don’t understand one another and we don’t understand what’s happening for each other.

Being vocal about what’s happening for you is highly important as well..so if you feel shite, say you feel shite and that you need a little bit of extra support. That gives her the opening , the chance for her to say actually do you know what? I don’t feel good either and actually if you decide to have a duvet day, that’s flipping great because you’ve decided together and you can sit and chill and take it easy.

It doesn’t have to be abut the faff, it doesn’t have to be about the pressure, it doesn’t have to be about the fear and the fear of getting everything perfect, it doesn’t have to be about those cultural and societal expectations, it’s totally as to what you’re in tune with and what you want out of your day. So whether you’re on your own or whether you have family or friends coming round, whether you’re going somewhere, make that plan with your teen daughter before the day, so then you’ll all know what’s going on. If possible share that with everyone else around you, so like my daughter can come downstairs and chill in from to of the fire, she can chill, she can chat to us, she can be on her iPad talking to friends, if she wants to zoom her friends, that’s absolutely fine, we just plan it into our day. Whilst she’s doing that we’re doing something else, we can watch a movie, or something on tv, or taking Maisie out for another walk or whatever we are doing. It’s about taking the time for you and loved ones but making sure that

a) you don’t do it all

b) you’ve got a plan in place

c) you’ve got time to connect with quality time together and

d) you’ve got that safe space if it all becomes too much for you

So safe spaces are a space for you to feel safe, not much else I can say.. where you are assured of a space for you within the day. Make that space for you and your teen daughter. She knows she can go somewhere where she feels she can chill, relax and just breathe so she can connect to how she is feeling without feeling she has to go into overwhelm, without escalation into a meltdown or a kickoff. It’s that space for her and by having these tools in place, helps you to manage your Christmas wherever you are and this is huge as you can take these tools wherever you go.

So if you’re driving somewhere take them with you, if you’re driving miles, break the journey up int bite sized chunks and have regular breaks, so then you can go off and have your own space. Everyone has their own little jobs within that time together. It makes it so much easier for you to manage it, makes it easier to manage your emotions, makes it easier to manage any kind of aargh what am I going to do moments, you can manage it.

On that note pause, breathe and connect to how you are feeling. Your awareness is paramount to your mental health and wellbeing; if you’re feeling a bit poo, ask for help. You’re not meant to do this all alone.

I hope those tools are going to help you manage your Christmas, put things in place NOW so you can thrive throughout Christmas rather than just survive and pull your hair out and just wait for it all to finish so you can get on with your life.

So yeh do stuff together, do stuff that’s shared, do stuff that’s quality time together but also have your space.

I am going to send that to you from my heart and wish you all a Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful, relaxing, connected Christmas

Take care

Rachel x

Let’s build a community of like minded Mums together

I am around over Christmas though may not answer your question right away so if you want to talk to me, book in a connection call via my website which is www.positivetouch.net

I’m on insta at teen.whisperer.nature

I’m also opening a slot in my diary for a Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call where you can tell me what’s happening for your teenage daughter so click the link

If you would love to reconnect with your teen daughter and have the relationship you’ve always dreamt of, check out my programmes:

Teen Whisperer Community Space

The Ripple Effect Joint Programme with your Teen Daughter

Teen Whisperer Individual Mentoring

Teen Whisperer 90mins Power Call

Feel free to get in touch or book in a call to talk more.

I look forward to connecting with you and working with you, take care Rachel x

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